I have what seems to be some time on my hands. Time that I don't quite know what to do with. It is after everything else is done. Work is done, gym and dinner have been sweated out and cooked out. Errands have been run and my favorite tv shows are over. I have narrowed it down to roughly 2-3 hours a night that I don't quite know what to do with. What do I do with this time before I hit the hay?
Should I be out with friends? Should I be at a community group?
What about taking online classes? Or picking up a new hobby?
Maybe picking up that phone and calling that friend.
I don't know - they all sound like good ideas to me.
But lately, I haven't been doing any of them. I have been sitting quiet in my room, piddling around doing this and that. Reading, cleaning, organizing, lighting candles...just laying low and being quiet. But underneath the surface it's not so quiet. I feel discontent. Discontent with that quiet. Surely I was made for more than this. What am I doing wrong?
Why is everyone else out at night with friends and boyfriends and I am not?
Why do I seem to be stuck in mud or better yet - quicksand - and I just can't seem to...seem to...
Seem to find contentment.
Seem to find what I was made for.
Happiness?
I look for it in buying the cutest sweater or getting a new pair of amazingly fitted high-waisted jeans! I look for it in guys giving me approval that I seem to desperately need.
I just wonder sometimes what do I need to change so that I can be {HAPPY}.
But I know the words to say to myself ~ "Honey, ain't nothing in this world gonna fill that hole in yurn heart but Jesus."
And yes, yes, yes - I know that is true. With my head I do at least, but it has yet to hit my heart. Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The longest distance and hardest journey of all time is not climbing Everest or swimming across the English Channel or flying a plane over the whole world like Amelia Earhart. No, the hardest journey is a matter of 12 inches. The distance from your head to your heart.
So I have {quietly} decided to allow myself this time. This time of stillness. And not to quickly fill it with something - even good and lovely things!
Because honestly, my relationship with my first love is sad. Just plain pitiful. And maybe this is my Esther moment. I have been called "to such a time as this". A time of quietness so that I can get my Lord back on the throne of this one beating heart.
May God meet me in these quiet moments ~
